Are you the weight you want to be? Do you have trouble finding a workout partner to depend on? Do you need someone to be accountable to? That's why this blog is here!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

off track...

Here it is, more than six months since this journey of weight loss began. I've maintained for about 3 or 4 months, and by maintain...i mean MAINTAIN! lol, i've been the exact same weight every single morning, 191. A weight i've been happy and content with despite not making it to my exact goal of 185. I tried to start up a cycle of HCG again but for some reason it didn't seem to be working as well for me and i looked on the bottle of HCG i had and realized it had an expiration date, lol DUH. I'm not going to run out and buy more or anything but that was a bummer. But still i've been happy with my maintenance, my clothes fit perfect (the new size 12's i bought a few months ago) and i am under 200 woo hoo!

This last weekend (by weekend, i mean the Husband Man's days off- Sunday, monday, tuesday) I went and stayed in Monterey with my sister, just for a break from life and some sister time. I have such an amazing husband who gives me breaks like this, seriously, i am the luckiest woman ever!! But i digress...

During this luxury vacation weekend (haha, sort of anyway) we ate our way through each and every day, nothing diet of any sort, just good ol grubb. I wasn't terribly worried since we also walked our way through a long weekend as well. I swear i walked a good 15 miles this weekend. My sisters's scale is my new best friend, it kept telling me i weighed 188, wouldn't that be nice! ha! My sister has held it over me for quite some time that she lost weight "the right way" by exersizing, and that's why her end weight was less than mine. She's become a sort of cyclist over the past two years and lost a fair amount of weight, and at one point told me she was down to 175, and yes it totally bugged me that she was lower than I was, but hey i had kids so that's my excuse! So anyway, i was lovin her scale the whole weekend, cause it was telling me that lovely number all weekend long. THEN.....I come home after a fun and tiring weekend, and in the morning i weigh myself and it says 196!!!!!!! What the heck???? Now there are a few scenario's playing out here, the obvious first one is HER SCALE IS NEARLY 10 POUNDS OFF!!! My scale is a digital scale that has been nearly exact to every doctor's office scale I've ever used so i trust it pretty well, hers is an old dial scale, and those things can definitely lie to you over the years! And then there is the question, how the heck did one weekend suddenly add 5 pounds when i have been closely maintaining my exact weight for so long???? I really didn't feel like i ate that differently from what i do at home, with one minor difference....on this trip i ate less often. We really did only eat at breakfast, lunch and dinner, they were larger meals and usually 5 hours apart, whereas at home, i eat about every two hours. I eat small things (not always healthy either) every two hours, and have maintained my weight all this time. I did not realize how much of a difference that was really making!!! Now of course if you factor in the whole "muscle weighs more than fat" i could consider that some of that weight could also be muscle from all the walking (because i NEVER walk that much) that could be part of it too. I just hope over the next week i can widdle that back down, because i nearly cried when i saw that!!!

Adam was trying to make me feel better by telling me how much he's gained back over the past 3 or 4 months but it didn't work. He's been slowly gaining that weight all along, he couldn't maintain his new weight because for him exersize is essential to keeping the weight off, so it didn't help because it wasn't comparable to what i am experiencing, which is a sudden shift from what i'd been maintaining so well!

I suppose i should be glad though, it's definitely gotten me back on track, i will admit i had slid back into several old patterns of larger portions or higher calorie foods, but i was still maintaining my weight so i didn't worry about it's time to get back to the dieter i know is in there and get off this last bit of weight, not only what i gained this weekend, but also the weight i never finished losing and get down to that 185 goal!!! I can do this!!!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

is perfection ever truly perfection while in the present?

You know the pharse "Hindsight is 20/20" well I don't think that holds true to hindsight about weight loss. I am a size 12 right now, a size and weight that only a month ago I was exstatic about! I am finding though that as it becomes my 'norm' i'm beginning to feel fat's that? I remember being a size 12 all those years ago about the time I got married, and I remember looking in the mirror and LIKING what I saw. But that's my current mind remembering the past, and I rather think that perhaps the times I remembered looking in the mirror were not on an everyday basis, or when i had bedhead or frumpy clothes on, i am thinking I am most likely remembering days I wanted to look good. Like days I was dressed up for church or a date or in new clothes, or even on my wedding day, of course i'm going to look in the mirror and like what I see! Not to mention that the body I had then, despite being the same size and weight as my current one, is a far distant image of what it is today. My belly will never look 'normal' again after three c-section, of course my breasts are better I think, but smaller so that is different as well. my face is starting to show wrinkles, a badge of motherly courage. My body, no matter how hard I try, without further extreme surgery, will NEVER look like I remember it looking so many years ago. I've got to make it what I want for myself, NOW, and while I've been doing well maintaining my weight as it is, 191, it wasn't my true goal, my goal was 185, yes it's only 6 pounds away, but I hope that if i start shooting for that goal I may surpass it, and that would be icing on the fat free cake! So after much consideration on the matter, I've decided to end my diet the way it began, I'm doing another cycle of HCG, you'll notice that I didn't post this on my facebook page because I don't want all the criticism, only my followers will ever see this. But I'll be posting progress on my HCG which is a 26 day cycle.

I am on day one today, and can I just say I hate the first two days of this diet WITH A PASSION!!!!! The first two days you take the hormone drops and also eat as crappy as possible, it's called fat loading. Part of it is to get you out of the mode of fatttening food, make you feel like you don't want to eat it anymore and after only two fat loading meals let me tell ya, i'm feeling that right now!!! It isn't uncommon to gain up to 5 pounds in these two days and I dread that, although as I recall you lose that within one or two days of starting the eating plan which I will start on Thursday. I know that if i stick to this plan for the full 26 days I will lose at least the desired about of weight and surely more, I'm hoping for 15 pounds, the first time I did this diet I lost 25 pounds but I think 15 might be more realistic for this cycle. I'm getting tired of being sort of happy with where I am, 50 pounds lost is fabulous, truly, but it wasn't my goal, I hate quitting this close to the goal so I'm going all in, one last month of major dieting and back to normal life at my final weight, 185 or less.

I really am so happy to have made this choice, it was bothering me feeling happy with 50 pounds lost because in the end that wasn't my goal, although today I'd be happy to be back at that because at the end of today i know i'll have gained a few and that's so disconcerting!! It's all for a good cause.....

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Are you ever really.....done?

I started this blog when I was starting my weight loss journey. I never really thought I'd get to a point where I thought I was....done. I don't mean I'm done working to improve my overall health and look, but as far as weight loss goes, I honestly think I might be done. If I lost 10 or 15 more pounds I wouldn't complain or anything, but I'm maintaining my weight quite well where it's at, and I'm comfortably happy with how I look. I'm not stick thin, but I'm a mom, a little meat on my bones (and by a little, I mean this little pillow on my belly that won't go away since having babies) is only natural. I can't believe I'm saying it, but I've reached my goal, I'm 191, that's 50 pounds lost, 50 POUNDS!!!!!!! Sometimes it still doesn't seem real.

The way I eat these days has become so 'normal' to me that I seriously can't imagine how I maintained such a heavy weight for so many years, how much could I possibly have been eating all those years to maintain that kind of weight???? I sometimes feel like I engorged myself in a day by eating 1500 calories, that's an insane amount in a day for me these days. I eat quite happilly between 1000 and 1200 calories in a day, and even at that I often feel like I'm eating all day long. My life is really about portion control these days, THAT is how come I stayed fat for so long, I had zero ability to control portions. I still might lose a few more pounds over the next year or so, but I think my body has settled at what's comfortable for me. I remember feeling comfortable in a size 10 for a long time before I got married. And I am a 'comfortable-straight-from-the-dryer' size 12, so if you factor in the belly flab of having c-sections, that puts my body pretty close to what it was all those years ago before life happened. Here are my before and after comparison photos for you to laugh at:
Before: Note my uncanny ability to hide behind my own children. Even at that, couldn't hide it all, my kids aren't big enough...

Not hiding anymore! The side shot is really to show my smaller breasts since having a breast reduction two weeks ago. I wrote a lot more about that on my family blog, feel free to check it out at:

Friday, April 29, 2011

Healthy food for the WHOLE family

I find it a struggle sometimes to get my kids to eat 'healthy' food. Maggie LOVES veggies of any kind. But in general they are kids and they love their carbs and that's not exactly on my 'healthy' list. They are always pointing out my different 'diet' food and going 'ewwww.' So tonight I decided to try something different.

One of the kidlets FAVORITE dinners is what they call pasta with pretty good description. It's carbonara. It's bacon, and noodles and a creamy parm cheese all over. It's super fatty delicious-ness! Again, this is something I haven't made in a while because I pretty much ONLY make it in family size and Adam and I don't eat that way anymore. But I decided to health-y it up a bit and see what they thought, and of course I didn't tell them there was anything different about it :)

I started by using turkey bacon instead of regular bacon. It was a little more difficult to cook without burning because it doesn't naturally make a bunch of grease to cook it in, which is why it's healthier but also why it's easy to burn. Then I also used whole grain wheat pasta. I bought a good brand that didn't look as brown as the last kind I'd bought, which Katie snubbed her nose at based on color alone. Then I pretty much made it as usual. And the kid response? Near standing ovation! They loved it as if it were the same kind I'd always made (none the wiser about the healthier choices involved.) and I was able to enjoy it with them which was so nice :)

I used to think that eating healthier was difficult so I didn't bother. But it's the little changes like not having seconds on the carb portion of the meal, or having a fruit and veggie, or two veggies for side dishes, and especially switching to whole grains...not to be confused with 'whole wheat' there is a big difference. Now that I've gotten used to it, I find it easy to shop for and enjoying the difference it makes on my waistline. I think I do spend slightly more on my groceries each month but it's a negligable amount, less than $50 difference for the whole month, for my large family, that's not bad!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

getting things moving again...

I've been plateau-ing for several weeks now. I'll maybe lose a pound and then be stuck at that weight for another few weeks. I'm not sure what I've been doing wrong, but it's been terribly frustrating! And then yesterday happened.

I have discovered and fallen in love with special K bars. My favorite one is the peanut butter one. It litterally tastes like a reeses peanut butter cup, but with a krispy crunch. It is divine! And the stats on it are great! They're even fortififed with 20% of your daily vitamins, so if you were to eat five of them thru out the day about 2-3 hours apart and have one healthy meal, you (supposedly) could lose weight. Well I enjoy the bars but had never really put this theory to the test. I've been plateaud and rather enjoying the food and way I've been eating and since I wasn't gaining I didn't really mind. Especially since i did crack the evil 200 mark. I've been stuck at 199 for a while...and you know what, I'm fine with that!

But yesterday I had a bar for breakfast which is pretty normal for me, and then I need a snack 2 to 3 hours later, This is usually when I opt for something a little higher in calories, which then sets the precedent for the rest of the day to be smaller portions of normal food. However at my normal snack time I opted for another bar instead. Then a few hours later we had a late lunch at red robin with the missionaries. Since I'd only had those two bars before then I felt like there was some wiggle room in my calories and ate without guilt. I ate PLENTY of french fries (i love them there!) and had a chicken sandwich that also had crispy onion straws and bbq sauce on it...mmmmm yum! And of course I indulged in some diet soda.

I was so full from this meal (which i usually try not to get that full, but it was superbly good food!) so the rest of the day I really didn't feel like eating. Which was nice. I knew I'd had enough calories for at least the day anyway. But then around 8:30 in the evening while out at a movie with a friend I got a little snacky so I whipped out another bar from my purse and had that, ahhh, satisfied without opting for popcorn! We stayed up chatting till midnight because she is moving soon and I won't have this opportunity again for a while.

So this morning I followed my usual routine, get up, go to the bathroom and then weigh myself, in just my underclothes. I do this every day, without fail. And got the shock of my life today when I saw 1...9..6!!! That is 3 pounds lost from YESTERDAY! I stepped back on several times to verify and yep, sure enough, that was right! Every time i bust thru a plateau it catches me off gaurd. But let me tell ya, losing 3 pounds in a day makes a huge difference! I felt thinner last night so i already suspected that there was a possible loss, and I was right! This morning has been great no matter what just because of that.

For anyone keeping track my new total weight loss is....drum roll please!!!

45 pounds!!!!!!!!!!
That feels so awesome! Wow, I started at 241 and am now at 196.
Of course the same normal fears crop up, of what if i gain some back, which i suppose is a possiblity although one thing I seem to be great at is plateauing. Honestly thru all of this, not once have I gained any weight, I have only pleateaud or lost. So there's hope! Crazy to hope for a plateau but I don't dare hope for another loss...but stay tuned, I'll let you know!

In other news, next week is my 10 year anniversary, I am nearly my same weight that I was the day I married the Husband Man. The week after that is my pre op appointment for the surgery which is the week after THAT, life is moving faster and faster it seems, but at least I'm healthy enough to run and keep up with it!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

I'm wearing a size 12 right now and thuroughly enjoying it. So hard to beleive still that the person in the mirror is that much smaller than the one i saw in there such a short time ago. I'm plateauing again which is so frustrating, but at least it's at 199, lol, that feels a little better. I wish i could lose more than one pound at a time though, seems like i stay the same weight for a few weeks then all the sudden jump down a pound or two and get stuck again. I think i need to change up my game if I'm really going to get off the last 10-15 i'd like to lose to be comfortably under that ugly 200 mark. My ideal goal weight when i started this was 185, I'm only 14 pounds away from that, but I figure if i can lose 10 more on my own before my surgery, then maybe my surgery will take care of that last few?! Here's hoping.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

I never thought i would wear that again.....

I had the thought as I tried on several comfortable fitting size 12 clothes, that i was sad I didn't have any of my old clothes from when i used to be this size. Then when pondering exactly when that was i realized it was right around the time i was married, i was somewhere between a 10 and a 12 when i got married. The wedding dress. That beautiful princess gown hanging in my closet, could I really fit into that again? I told Adam I was going to go try it on just to see. Katie followed me up the stairs because she wanted to see it.

I pulled it out from the back of the closet, unzipped the garment bag and just stared at it for a minute. Remembering how it felt to put it on and feel like the most beautiful woman in the world that day. Could I really fit into this? It's one of the few things I remember very clearly feeling thin in. I pulled it off the hanger and unzipped it, Katie's ooh's and ahh's and giggles of excitement started before I'd even stepped all the way into the open back. I stepped in and slid the dress up, it slid perfectly over my hips and waist and even my arms glided gently into the non-stretchy sleeves. I stopped for a moment marveling that this felt quite comfortable not too tight at all. I started to zip the back and it slid up my back stopping near the bra. My chest has apparently grown despite the current weight loss and stopped the zipper from going all the way up. But I know that part will be taken care of next month, as my reduction is scheduled for May 17th. This is the reason I did not post a picture of myself in the dress. It doesn't zip all the way up, however it zips past the important part, my waist and hips, quite easily. I was in serious shock all day, did this really happen? Did I really get down the weight i was when I got married??? I came down the stairs to show the Husband Man, I didn't even get all the way down before his "wow" echoed across the room. He smiled at me, and I felt like the princess I did the day I married him. Katie carried my train as she came down the stairs on her bottom laughing the whole way. I loved that moment.

I am having trouble realizing how much weight I really have lost, I'm wearing a lot of the same clothes (baggy as all get out but still) and since I'm still wearing them i still feel as fat sometimes as i did when they fit properly. So I am still in shock that I am a size 12, after starting at a 20. that's 4 sizes difference. I just look in the mirror and think, I'm not that thin am I??? But when I tried on my wedding dress, I very clearly remember wearing it and feeling thin, and feeling good, it's given me a whole new feeling inside my body, a thin feeling.

When I started my weight loss my main goal was not a specific weight number as much as it was a size number, my final goal was to be a size 12, but inside I felt like a 14 might be the best I could get to and i would have been ok with that....but to suddenly realize I have acheived what I thought was an unattainable, that's a little mind blowing. I'm still slowly losing a pound here and there and there's a faint possibility that I could be a size 10 again and I think if that were to happen I would scream from the roof tops, I very clearly remember being a size 10 and feeling thin and happy in my skin. Although to be honest, I'm starting to feel that way right now already. The end of my life as a fat person is in sight, and the beginning of my life as a healthy person has arrived. I'm loving that.

On a side note, at the dr's office with Darla the other day, we saw her regular dr, the one I see every time i bring her in, but he hasn't seen me in about 2 months. He kept asking me who I was, which kind of annoyed me because I've met him several times and he remembered Darla (because of her squeaky can't forget that) and he even remembered all four of my other kids, but for some reason he couldn't remember me. He kept telling me, you're not her mother and I said well no not yet I'm her foster mother but I'll be her mom soon enough, and he kept saying, no, not you, it was the other woman that always brought her in, the larger woman. LOL...He didn't recognize me because I'd lost 40 pounds!!!! that was a first, lol, seriously, that kinda made my day haha.