Are you the weight you want to be? Do you have trouble finding a workout partner to depend on? Do you need someone to be accountable to? That's why this blog is here!

Monday, March 28, 2011

Plastic Surgeon

**********Originally started writing this Monday, then got distracted so "today" is referring to Monday, not Thursday.*********************************************

Today I got a call out of the blue from the surgeon's office. I knew my dr had sent in a referral but I didn't expect a call so quick, nor did i expect them to want to schedule my appointment for TODAY! So we crammed it into an already crazy schedule today and I saw the plastic surgeon for the first time. His name is Dr.Kim, his specialty is breast surgeries and hand surgeries, strange combination but that's ok.

When I got in the office to see him there was never a question of "if" I was going to have the surgery, since my Dr. had already referred me it was basically all about "when" i have the surgery. wow. He told me that i was just about as perfect a candidate as ever there was. I am young and in good health and my breasts are much larger than average to my proportions, the rest of my body was in proportion to itself and my BMI was spot on. It made me so proud of the work I'd done losing the weight to get here. Then I brought up the subject of losing more weight. "don't!" he told me, your perfect where you are. We don't want your weight to be fluctuating when you have the surgery, and we don't want you to lose any more weight after the surgery which could "deflate" the results. So he told me don't lose any more now and don't lose any more after?! But I'm not where I want to be with my weight, so he said I had room to lose 15 pounds, but much more than that he was not comfortable with. I'm not really sure why losing more weight before the surgery is such a problem, but either way it gave me the green light to do another cycle of hCG and finish off my weight loss. Because I was able to lose an extra 13 pounds while on maintenance (bringing total weight loss since January to 38 pounds) I feel that 20 pounds on one last phase of hCG should put me right where I want to be. Can you imagine that another 20 pounds mean I'll be a total of 58 pounds thinner?! That is a crazy thought! that's almost 60 pounds! I've been saying for years I wanted to lose 60 pounds but never really thought I might actually be able to do it, as of right now, I KNOW i will. Maybe I should lose another 2 pounds down the road just to round it out to that nice pretty 6..0... it just sounds like so much more tahn 58 LOL. Do you think anyone would call me on it if i told them right now I'd lost 40 pounds instead of 38? hmm.

Anyway the dr also told me I am quite symetrical which is rare, so it should make the outcome very nice. I'm having trouble actually picturing what I'll look like with 'normal' size breasts, but I have no trouble picture how it will feel to walk into Victoria's Secret and just buy a bra off the rack! I'm looking forward to leaving my back pain behind and the gigantic bra's of my past will either find new uses or new owners....maybe they could be a really large sling, for slinging boulders at, maybe my bras will win wars and solve world peace! ha! Hey it could happen!

One thing is forsure, I'll be posting (a fully clothed) before and after shot, I want the world to know why I lost all this weight. This has been a long time coming and I can't believe I'm finally making it happen! Why are you losing the weight? What are you goals?

Saturday, March 26, 2011

passed go! (too bad I can't collect 200 dollars!)

So yesterday I was debating about weighing myself with clothes on (no shoes though of course) because I wanted to see what the dr's office scale might say to me as to whether or not I met the BMI qualifications for breast reduction surgery. I have to weigh 210 or under to meet the BMI, but since I can't strip down to my underwear at the office as well as the fact that they won't take my word on my weight, I had to be able to be 210 with clothes on. I am always so nervous about stepping on the scale, it takes a few minutes to "compute" my weight and I always Imagine something terrible showing up, and then of course I imagine seeing what I want to see, 210. And then the number appears 208....if it hadn't been so early in the morning I would have squealed louder....but oh my gosh!!! I was beyond excited and immediately sat down at the computer to email my dr about the news. I had to wait a whole day for his response, which I got this morning, it was only two words...."Refferal Granted," that's all I needed to see, the referral was sent and now I just have to wait for the surgeons office to call me and schedule a consult for surgery. YAY!!! Ok I am totally not one to be excited for surgery, but I am totally exstatic at the idea of smaller bras and smaller clothes and well smaller everything! LOL

Then today I weighed myself as normal with just underwear on after going to the bathroom first thing in the morning. I was totally unprepared for the sight of 2 0 5
Did I see that right? Adam suggested weighing again as sometimes it gives innacurate readings, so I stepped on again, 2 0 5 again! Wow it's like that 200 mark is clearly in view, and the huge 1 9 9 is right around the corner!! To be under 200 would feel absolutely amazing, seriously, I think i'll be screaming about it for days when I get there...did you notice that, I said "When" not "IF"....because at this pace I'll be there in a few weeks. I had decided to postpone my next cycle of HCG until after my next period because that's the best time to start, and the thought that I could be starting my next cycle at about 200 instead of 216 where I finished my last, so excited!! This one cycle should put me right about where I want to be. I can feel my body slowly transforming into something I've wanted to see for so long, If i'd known I would be this good at loosing weight I would have done this years ago.

I am so thankful to my Husband Man who has supported me in my weight loss, I could not have done this without him!!

So by the way for anyone keeping track (because of course I am) I am now down 36 pounds, so close to 40 I can smell it!! yay!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

a guilt free weekend

I got to go away for a few days this last weekend. I went to stay with my sister in Monterey. I got to be kid free for two whole days! Imagine that!!!

The weather at first was TERRIBLE!! Windy and rainy and stormy in general. We went to church on sunday in her ward and it was so strange to be in church with no kids in tow...loved it, but missed it at the same time. The whole time at church I had a little prayer in my heart that the rain would stop, we so wanted to go on a nature walk and to get out and about for a while. Low and behold, we exited church to the glare of a strong sun and blue skies!!!

Getting to the point of why this is on my weight not blog and not my family blog....

We did many fun outdoor activities on Sunday and on Monday before I had to go home Sunday night. I knew I was getting more exersize than normal so I allowed myself to splurge a bit. My sister is a crazy one for bicycling so she can eat pretty much whatever she wants and maintain a fabulous figure...i on the otherhand, cannot. Hence why I am so picky about what I eat, to make up for a less active lifestyle at the moment. She didn't have any diet food, and as a guest I ate whatever was offered. I found it strangely easy to go back to this kind of eating and still worried over it but enjoyed it all the same. I did, however, notice my ability to stop at a reasonable point remained intact no matter what I was eating! I was so proud of this fact! When we had lasagna for dinner, i had one piece and started a second but only ate a few bites of the second before feeling satisfied and stopping. When we had a very heavilly creamy clam chowder (best ever i'd venture to say) I had no problem stopping half way thru and not finishing. I did eat a roll with my clam chowder which i felt somewhat guilty about until we later rented a surrey dual bicycle (big giant contraption with a cover over it that you peddle yourself) and we killed ourselves riding this thing for an hour....plenty of exersize to work off those carbs! LOL. In the end though I harbored a bit of guilt, the exersize, which also included several miles of hiking on another day, would have made so much more of a difference if i'd been eating more healthy the whole time....afterall I'd hoped to lose some weight on this trip, not maintain it despite heavy exersize.

I arrived home last night, and hadn't weighed myself the whole weekend, I always weigh myself in the morning so I didn't bother with it until this morning. My scale is digital and after you step on it takes a few seconds to show your weight while it's calculating. During those few seconds a million thoughts crossed my mind, "ok if i'm going to gain weight I just don't want to be over 213 (pre trip weight was 210)"...."Come on 210....come on 210" I was so afraid of seeing a higher number I wasn't expecting what I did see...209. Maybe it was only one pound but it was a huge breakthru for me! I'd be plateaued at 210 for a few weeks now and it was amazing to finally have made a difference, even if it could have been better, it still was exciting to see loss instead of gain. Truthfully I haven't gained a pound since I've been working to lose weight, I either maintain or lose, and for this I am truly grateful. My goal feels so close, I know i'll get there. yay me.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

meeting my goal.

It's a strange feeling to see the number on the scale that I've wanted to see for so long now. It's not my final weight goal but it's a HUGE hurdle in the middle. My weight today? 210. I made it, this is the weight goal set by the dr for me to qualify for breast reduction. Now i'll be truthful, my breasts have gone down a small amount, maybe a cup size, but considering where they started, that isn't saying much. I am about a G cup and am hoping to go down to a D. It would be so nice to be able to wear dresses where the top and bottom of the same dress fit right, I am constantly wearing seperates because if the top fits the bottom is too big and if the bottom fits the top is too small, seems i just couldn't win!

Possibly the most shocking part about making this goal is that it came the morning after going out on a date with my husband where I ate food that was not exactly "diet friendly." But I was able to stick to my mantra, "Taste everything, don't deny myself any food...just eat it sparingly." Now I did eat very carefully all day leading up to it to allow the most calories for myself at that meal. But we went out with his whole family (because we were all going to see spamalot together) and they ordered several appetizers to share. Appetizers are hard for me because we're all sitting there hungry and this food smells so good. So I allowed myself to taste anything that smelled good. But it was only a taste, i was able to enjoy each taste, knowing i would only have one or two, so i savored each one and had lots of time between each taste to consider the flavor and what else i wanted to try. Then of course with the entree their soup was clam chowder and I was not going to turn that down, and so again, i ate each bite with several minutes in between, so that by the time my food came I'd had a total of maybe 5 spoonfuls of this dilectable soup and was able to move on easily to the entree. I had a small steak and rice pilaf which honestly I've never tried before because i always found the other options of mashed potatoes or loaded baked potatoes or fries..much more interesting. And wow, i LOVED the rice! Now it was much more carb then i normally allow myself but I felt it was a relatively healthy carb and so i ate as much as i liked, but again i made sure to have several minutes between each bite and after only a small portion of rice, green beans and steak, i found myself pleasantly satisfied. so i stopped eating. by waiting between each bite i am better able to evaluate my full feeling and stop at a more reasonable point. I'm not saying all of this to brag, because i kind of sounds that way i think, but really it's just to point out that with a little self control, we don't have to be afraid of eating out, and this is a huge thing for me. I've been so concerned about not gaining the weight back that I wasn't allowing myself any kind of eating out for fear of over eating. But this has given me new confidence in the eating skills i've developed and hope to use for the rest of my life. I feel like a whole new person, a person who doesn't have to feel guilty about what i eat anymore. Even after sampling every appetizer and having a creamy soup with my meal, i was still able to lose the last bit of weight yesterday to meet this goal.

I had been doing HCG for a while but these last 6 pounds have been all on my own and that makes me so proud. Not only have i kept off what i lost but i've developed my understanding of my problem areas and been able to turn them into strengths instead of weaknesses. I can't wait to post on here at some point that i've reached my final goal, which is 185, only 25 pounds to go, which is less than i've already lost, I really feel i can do this!

Friday, March 11, 2011

Pants-y that

So today on a whim I decided to go to Old Navy. Haven't been there in ages and I just felt like trying on clothes, to get an idea of what size I am. I'm still wearing old clothes despite losing 28 pounds...It's hard to tell what size I am from baggy jeans and lose shirts. I had to take Katie, Catcher and Darla with me but they were surprisingly well behaved despite it being during nap time and several trips to and from the dressing room. I was amazed when even the size 16 was falling off....I didn't expect that. I tried on a 14 and found that more than comfortable even to the point that i tried on a 12! Well the 12 was tighter than I find comfortable so I didn't buy it, but I could see that as little as 10 pounds could make that work. Is there actually a chance that at my goal weight I could be a 12??? I wouldn't dare think to ever be a size 10 again but for some reason that is the number that makes me excited. A size 10 was what I wore when i worked so hard to lose weight in my teen years, I didn't have as much weight to lose as I have this time but I lost enough weight to wear a size 10 and it felt sooooo good...I would love to see that number again....but i'd be happy with a 12 considering I'd been wearing an 18 in some things and a 20 in most when i started this.

I've been feeling so good about the way I'm eating lately, feeling like I don't need to indulge on foods because I'm enjoying the way my body feels so much more. Strange how feeling thin makes me want to eat even more salads and health, you'd think it'd make me feel like i could splurge with room to spare, but it's been quite liberating to feel thin, and healthy, i don't want to lose that, or jeopordize it in anyway with some fattening treat. Someday when i've lost my weight maybe i'll treat myself, or maybe i'll end up one of those skinny people who still only eats salads, but either way, i'm going to be around and more active for years to come, and that's what this has all been about anyway.

On a side note, i did buy a pair of knee length shorts that i LOVE!!! And two shirts which have the unfortunate side effect of showing off my large my chest STILL is...can't wait to get that taken care of too....3 more pounds!!!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

surprise suprise suprise....

So yesterday was not a big deal day. My weight has been exactly the same every single day since i finished my first cycle of HCG. And since yesterday was a day like any other i fully expected this morning's weight to be exactly like any other as well....but SUPRISE! i jumped from the previous 216 weight to a new number....213...well hello there! So i am now only 3 pounds away from the goal for my breast reduction surgery....go me!! It was quite a nice suprise to brighten the day :)

Monday, March 7, 2011

what are you "weighting" for???

So I'm sorry for anyone who actually reads this and was wondering about my weigh in after a bit of indulgence. I'm sick and it's getting crazy taking care of the house and kids and being sick, and if I do get a second to myself...i sleep. LOL. Anyway!!

The results are??? Not a bit of difference!!! Is it crazy that I have maintained almost the EXACT same weight for 2 weeks now despite a few cheats here and there?! It's crazy to me. But the difference here from how i used to be is that I've learned that cheating should just be about not depriving myself, not about engourging myself. So if I like something, and I want a taste of it, I do, i have a few bites and enjoy each precious one and then I feel satisfied that I didn't deny myself something that I was craving or sounded good, but allowed myself to enjoy the flavor of a few bites, but then what I am filling myself with is the healthier options. I'm finding this very easy to stick to because I honestly don't feel I am denying myself anything, which is what makes dieting so hard, wanting something you aren't allowed to have. This is just my maintenance phase, and it's only another week of this before I start my second cycle on HCG, but it's really giving me the image that I've learned to control my eating in normal life circumstances, and I'm not as afraid that I'll gain the weight back, because I really have learned to appreciate food as a necessity for life, and not a source of entertainment, while still allowing myself to enjoy the foods I like in much more reasonable portions. This feels like something I'll be able to do for the long haul. Looking forward to another cycle on HCG and losing more weight, then going back to this way of eating and keeping it off for a lifetime to come.

Saturday, March 5, 2011


I have felt like I have serious self control lately. I have no problem eating what's healthy and avoiding all else, because I just don't want to gain this weight back. I'm at a total loss of 26 pounds since the end of January and right now for the next week and a half I am still on the maintenance phase between cycles where you train your body to maintain the new weight...and so far I have been PERFECT at it, only fluctuating by half a pound either way and always bouncing back to the same weight....but then today happened LOL....

Today is my baby boy's birthday. Catcher turned 1 and we had a party...of course. I really tried to have more healthy options because it seems like everyone we know is trying to lose weight or at the least make healthier eating choices. So we had burgers and hot dogs but we had whole grain buns as well as salmon burgers even. We had a HUGE chinese chicken salad (which was the perfect thing for todays spring glorious weather!) which was very light and tasty. There was a veggie tray and pretzels and the only chips were baked tortilla chips, the lowest fat chips you could buy practically! But then....then there were the animal crackers. haha. Who knew they would be my downfall???? Somehow I would find myself grabbing one here or one there. For a moment I felt like the old me, the me who seemed like i didn't notice or care how fat i was, the me who ate whatever i wanted, however much i wanted just because it tasted good....THAT me that i don't want to ever become again!! It scared me for a minute, i imagined myself gaining all 26 pounds back over night, (SCARY!!!) All in all i never felt grossly full (a huge part of the old me loved to eat till i was stuffed!!!) I snacked or 'grazed' here and there on things as healthy as i could, but had way more carbs than i usually allow myself. Carbs are my Kryptonite. I am so not going to let this become habit again. I had only a bite of birthday cake, and no ice cream, but probably much more salad (with it's sweet sweet chinese dressing) than I should have. and many more animal crackers than allowed as well.

I won't know until I weigh myself in the morning how detrimental it truly was to my weight loss, but I found that putting the food away promptly really helped me feel better, and less like diving into the food. LOL. I don't seem as tempted if it's put away and I can't smell it, smells make it so hard not to want to taste it. But I feel like there's hope, I'll eat better the rest of the day and try to spend some quality time with the bowflex after the kids go to bed in an effort to work it off. Crossing my fingers, I'll let you know how the weigh in goes tomorrow. (i weigh myself every morning to make sure i'm on track....current weight, 215.)